News Briefs

Santa Claus Arrested on 132 Million Counts of Breaking and Entering

Following a sting operation at a Los Angeles-area apartment complex, Kristopher “Santa Claus” Kringle was taken into custody by FBI agents and is currently being held at Los Angeles Metro Police Department pending delivery of approximately 132 million total charges of breaking and entering in homes and businesses across the globe. Michael P. Kortan, Assistant Director for the FBI’s Office of Public Affairs, gave a brief statement to the press about the arrest.

“The bureau has been monitoring Mr. Kringle’s activities for the last 10 years,” Kortan said. “However, due to his elusiveness and a seemingly uncanny ability to ascend and descend into homes through a chimney or climate system had made setting up sting operations almost impossible. We also had to account for his speed. Due to the nature of his work, we had a window of approximately 8/100,000ths of a second to identify, isolate, and detain the suspect.

“For this operation, we utilized the services of the Central Intelligence Agency, MI:6 out of Britain, AISE out of Italy, and the ASIO from Australia. By coordinating with these agencies over the last several months, we were able to execute a plan of action that gave us several optimal opportunities to locate and detain Mr. Kringle. Agents from the FBI and CIA were able to successfully complete the operation at a home in Los Angeles early Christmas morning.”

It is expected that the volume of charges will continue to mount against Kringle as prior breaking and entering charges are added to this year’s total. Some estimates indicate that Kringle will face 200-300 million separate charges in the United States alone. International agencies who have coordinated on the effort will jointly determine the location and scope of the charges to be brought against Santa.

Following the sting, it was also reported that animal control services was forced to capture and euthanize nine aggressive reindeer which Kringle had been using as personal transportation to draw his sleigh. One reindeer reportedly suffered from an inflamed nose which allegedly was still glowing for approximately 30 minutes following the euthanasia procedure.

A list containing personal detail on millions of minor children was also seized during the operation and has been turned over to the NSA for processing.

Written by Steve Perry

Steve Perry

Steve Perry is a commentator, writer, and podcast host who lives in Rhode Island with his wife, two dogs, and three cats. The American dream.

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