5 Things to Prepare for Once You’ve Released the Fallen Angel from Mike Pence’s Urn

You have now inadvertently inserted yourself into the millennia-long battle between Heaven and Hell, for which both sides will claim ownership over your soul, and hence, your pledge of loyalty. However, according to oft-misinterpreted passages in Leviticus, Mike Pence has the final say in the perdition of all souls—and you just broke his favorite urn!

Having been imprisoned for seventeen thousand years inside of a clay urn, the angel is probably gonna be a little pissed. He will seek out mortal flesh to sacrifice to the Seven Sons of Sabnock, a ritual that would trigger the opening of the portal to the Realm of Iniquitous, an act of war against God. In order to achieve this, he will need to find the nearest living creature, which will most likely be you standing over the broken urn on the living room floor, watching as a green, protoplasmic dust begins to consume your body.